As I alluded to in my post on New Year’s Eve, my big lesson of the year was on the importance of boundaries. I’ve decided that for 2020, my resolution will have two parts:
- Be very clear about my boundaries; and
- Enforce them.
This blog post will fulfill the first part. (And be warned: It’s a long post.)
Why this post?
Because it’s important to be clear about your boundaries. I haven’t, and people have run roughshod over me. When I started enforcing those boundaries, some people got really upset and left my life. (One, on the other hand, said me enforcing my boundary was the most beneficial thing I could have done for him, much less myself, so there are good stories resulting from this as well.)
I’ve decided to take it a step beyond. I’ve always believed in transparency. Now, I’m going to be transparent myself.
Also, being transparent like this really does feel like a giant weight being lifted off my shoulders. No more guessing for people. Now everyone can know what I will and will not stand for. And, importantly, no more excuses from anyone — you or me.
This document will most likely change over the years, as I establish and refine boundaries. My promise: I will mark edits after the publishing from January 2, 2020 (the original date of publication). But for me, I do not feel bad about that. It’s okay to update and alter boundaries as needed.
What this post is not
This post is not a legal document. So whatever is in here can’t be used against me in a court of law. It is also not something I must adhere to 24/7. If I find in a particular situation that disregarding this boundary (or setting up a new one) is to my advantage, I will do that. Why? Because it’s my life, my rules, my well-being at play.
Anyone who even thinks about trying to use this post against me when trying to demand something from me will find themselves escorted from my life. Two reasons for that:
- Anyone who would do this clearly sees me as a thing (which must do as they want) rather than a person (who has his own needs, feelings, and so on). Those who view me as a thing will not be able to view me at all. No debate on this one.
- Anyone who thinks that their interpretation of my boundaries supersedes mine is arrogant. Anyone who tries to then enforce their interpretation of my boundaries on me … well, that’s narcissistic behaviour, and I am under no obligation to have narcissists in my life.
So without further ado, here are some boundaries I’ve established for myself. If I get upset with you for violating these … well, now you know that you’ve violated them
1. I, and I alone, decide whether I can help you.
I try to help as much as I can, as many of you know. Helping is the right thing most of the time. But it cannot come at the cost of my well-being, or my plans, or my finances, or my whatever. You can always feel free to ask, but if I say no, that is the final answer. It is not up for debate, and it is not up for criticism. Remember, I am under no obligation to put myself on the line for anyone I don’t feel like putting myself on the line for, or feel like I can’t put myself on the line for. I cannot allow your well-being to supersede mine, mainly because I’ve found people won’t do the reverse for me.
There are implications, of course, from this:
Emotional blackmail and manipulation will not be tolerated. If I give you an answer, and your response to badger me, or guilt-trip me, or shame me, or use any other similar technique to try to get me to do what you want, you will get one warning. One. Then, I’ll walk away from you and not think twice about it. Why? Because if you persist in that kind of behaviour, it clearly shows you’re only interested me as a thing and not as a person.
Passive-aggressiveness is a form of the above. Now, I am a big fan of passive-aggressive behaviour in the right context. Mainly, that context is comedic. It is not appropriate when trying to clarify a tense (or “tense”) situation, and if I sense it, I’ll assume you’re not interested in an honest conversation. That will not bode well for future conversations.
2. You are not entitled to anything from me.
This is related to the above, but I think it really needs to be separated for extra emphasis.
Not to put too fine a point on it: YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO ANYTHING FROM ME! This means that, if I feel that my sacrifice for you would be too much for me to bear, I will say no, and you will not have recourse. Do not engage in any of the above behaviours, because doing so will mean you will be seeing the exit from my life, courtesy of a shove from me.
3. I am not a mind reader. Do not berate me for this.
Don’t expect me to “just know” what you’re thinking. I do not read minds, and it’s not a skill I’ll be acquiring soon. It’s also a skill you don’t have. If something is wrong, tell me. Don’t assume I’ll automatically know, especially if it’s a matter that I should have known about your conversation with someone else that I was not privy to. If something is wrong, tell me. Don’t expect me to have a divine revelation on the matter, then get upset when that divine revelation never comes. Expecting me to read your mind is a form of gaslighting. And, given that it is a form of mental violence, it will be met with appropriate countermeasures. (Not physical violence, unless absolutely called for, of course. But this isn’t a game you want to get into with me. I’ll win.)
4. Own up to your mistakes. I promise to do the same.
We are all human. We make mistakes. Lord knows I’ve made my share, and will make many more. Such is the nature of being a human.
I’ve wronged, and I’ve been wronged. Again, that’s the nature of human existence. I do my best to apologize for unintentionally wronging someone. That, I promise will never change.
However, what I have always appreciated is an apology. An honest apology goes a long, long way with me. I’m very much on the side of forgiving, because it’s less draining (and far happier) to forgive than to not. But that acknowledgement that you hurt me means a lot.
What does not go over well: Pretending nothing happened. What works even less: Actively denying that the thing happened. These are both warning signs of gaslighting. And I’ve already established what I think of gaslighters.
5. Don’t ask me to pick sides. You won’t like the side I pick.
This relates to the first boundary I set out. There may come times where I have to involve myself in other people’s uncomfortable situations. But I alone will decide when that time is. As a general rule, I will not involve myself in personal disputes where neither party is in physical or mental harm’s way. Why? Because it’s unlikely I’ll be able to make the situation better; it’s far more likely I’ll make the situation a lot worse. So the harm-minimizing option here is to not get involved.
Using emotional manipulation to get me to take your side: I wouldn’t. Not only will I see through it — it’s also both annoying and insulting to my intelligence. And why is that? Because YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO ANYTHING FROM ME! This includes unquestioned loyalty. So yeah, don’t ask me to pick sides in a fight that has nothing to do with me.
6. Don’t challenge or disrespect these boundaries.
My boundaries are my own to set. You don’t get a say in them, much like I don’t get a say in yours. And they are very important for me and my mental health. So, when dealing with these boundaries, you have two options: You can support me in these, or you can get out of the way. But actively trying to undermine my boundaries — especially for your own personal gain — is not acceptable. Of course, you are under no obligation to follow them. And I am under no obligation to keep around people who can’t be bothered to respect my boundaries.
7. If I tell you you’re violating a boundary, listen to me.
And when I say listen to me, I mean respect the boundary. I don’t think these are unreasonable boundaries. Yet so many people seem to want to cross them. It doesn’t matter that it’s not listed here. If I tell you you’ve crossed a boundary, you’ve done so. (Conversely, if you tell me that, in all honesty, I’ve crossed a boundary, then I have.)
What are your boundaries?
This is not a comprehensive list. Hence, entry No. 7. Over the course of a week, month, year, or lifetime, these can (and will likely) change. So with that in mind, I welcome (non-manipulative) feedback. What are your boundaries? Let me know in the comments .
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