Sacre Pleur

Or: That time I felt bad about myself while walking past an iconic building on the way home.

A few days back, I managed to get into my head while walking home from work, right as I passed Sacre Coeur (name drop!). This isn’t new for me; in fact, me getting into my head a lot is a recurring theme in my life. But this time, it was while I was living a life that many people are jealous of.

I had somehow managed to convince myself — if only for a few minutes — that people here were being nice to me only because they had to be, and that I was being a burden on them.

Of course, that explains why April has invited me everywhere: because she feels she has to. And why Liam had dinner with me as often as he did before leaving for home: same thing. And why Florent would invite me out for drinks with fellow co-workers: Because he wanted them to laugh at me all at the same time. And why my colleagues ask if I can help out with tough assignments: Because they can’t wait to see me fail.

Sounds absurd, doesn’t it? And it should. April and Liam call me up because they’re happy to have me around. Floret invited me out because he wants me to do well in the job, and wants me to meet people. And my co-workers ask for my help because they trust me.

My inner saboteur, on the other hand, seems to think that all of this is perfectly logical.

I know that inner saboteur is going to show up again. And probably again and again. Fortunately, I’ve learned how to deal with that person. And the approach is not what I thought it would be.

I confronted that person. I envisioned that person, and had a conversation with them: “Why would these people go through all that trouble? Instead, these people happen to like you. That’s all. Now, Mx. Saboetur, I do appreciate your input, and sometimes, you are right to raise the alarm. But now is not one of those times.” That quieted my inner saboteur down for now.

Before I go further, this isn’t a pity post. This isn’t about getting people to tell me how much they love me (so don’t even think about it right now; I’ll let you know when you can gush all over me). This post is about providing unsolicited advice to everyone out there who’s suffering in silence at the hands of that inner saboteur.

The worst thing you can do is believe them.

The second-worst thing you can is ignore them. Because they will not go away if you do that. They only get louder and louder.

Instead, what I’ve found works is two-fold: Engage that inner saboteur, and see how you can turn their skills to your advantage. And second, for the love of no deity in particular, talk about it. Your friends — that is, the friends who are actual friends — will help you through this. And might even have stories of their own that’ll help you see that you’re not alone in this. This happens to everyone, even if you’ve been taught that it happens to no one.

When you talk about these feelings, you do two things: You help yourself, and you help shake the stigma that’s attached to discussions of mental health. Does this mean you must talk about these thoughts you’re having? No, of course not. Do that only if you’re comfortable enough to do so. But I found, when I went through an episode of depression a couple of years back, that talking about it yielded an unexpected result: Others opened up to me about their bouts of depression.

That helped me realize that having these thoughts didn’t make me a bad person.

They just make me a person. Full stop.

So instead of caving into that person, or denying that person exists, I’m now listening and replying to that saboteur. Sometimes, the saboteur has a point; sometimes, it doesn’t. But dismissing it out of hand does you no favours, as does believing it uncritically. Learning how to use that saboteur to my advantage has been extremely empowering.

But not as empowering as talking to people about the struggle.

You’re not alone. And you got this. Take that voice inside your head with a grain of salt, and use the useful parts of that fear to your advantage. Then tell us the story of how you did it. We really do want to hear.

How do you deal with your inner saboteur? Let us know in the comments below.